*Learning to feel again*
The beauty that surrounds me...
This is the 1st time I have sat down to blog in a very long time. I gotta be honest with all the craziness that has been going on I am a little relieved to be getting it out.
So my mother died just about 4 months ago and boy my life has been flipped upside down and inside out. From the outside it may look like a bad thing but I can honestly say I 100% believe that it is a blessing from God. Not my mothers passing but all the stuff that I have been going through since. I have been opened to so much healing and growth it is wonderful.
I have always been what others have classified "strong", being able to have self control over my emotions and able to keep it together well in-spite of all I had been through. So I thought. Not only was I hindering myself from feeling emotions I was also not allowing myself to have a chance to live as me. I would completely disengage or "check out" when an emotional situation where I had to feel pain would come up. While all along I was only digging my self deeper and deeper into a dark ugly pit of loneliness and despair. Pretty soon the thread of my emotions began to unravel slowly and then suddenly at a very rapid pace.
As a child I had suffered a great deal of trauma. I had see and heard things no child should ever see. I had lived many places as a child but with my mom was where I had always longed to be. My mother was such a lost woman who desperately wanted to feel loved. She didn't have the best up bringing herself and was never taught what true love really was. This haunted my mother for her entire life and carried on into her parenting skills. She lived a life of regrets and wondered if things would ever be good for you. She died alone in a hospital bed of a shattered heart that had slowly been breaking the the entire 48 years she was alive. My biological father was a drug addict and was in prison for much of my life and my step dad was an alcoholic who loved me so much but had many of his own demons clouding his mind.
My Very 1st memory as a child is pretty traumatic and vivid. I am hiding in another place in the house while my mother is being forced to have intercourse while getting physically abused by the fist of her then husband Robert Waller, I am just an 18 month old little girl. This was not the only thing that I had witness this had just been my youngest memory as a child. So much abuse, sexually, physically, and mentally that I cannot even imagine Things began to get much worse and I began to feel more and more detached and unloved with each trauma. My heart breaks when I look into my life and story, I have 3 daughters and 2 sons and I cannot imagine them ever witnessing this kind of violence. (to be continued)
So my mother died just about 4 months ago and boy my life has been flipped upside down and inside out. From the outside it may look like a bad thing but I can honestly say I 100% believe that it is a blessing from God. Not my mothers passing but all the stuff that I have been going through since. I have been opened to so much healing and growth it is wonderful.
I have always been what others have classified "strong", being able to have self control over my emotions and able to keep it together well in-spite of all I had been through. So I thought. Not only was I hindering myself from feeling emotions I was also not allowing myself to have a chance to live as me. I would completely disengage or "check out" when an emotional situation where I had to feel pain would come up. While all along I was only digging my self deeper and deeper into a dark ugly pit of loneliness and despair. Pretty soon the thread of my emotions began to unravel slowly and then suddenly at a very rapid pace.
As a child I had suffered a great deal of trauma. I had see and heard things no child should ever see. I had lived many places as a child but with my mom was where I had always longed to be. My mother was such a lost woman who desperately wanted to feel loved. She didn't have the best up bringing herself and was never taught what true love really was. This haunted my mother for her entire life and carried on into her parenting skills. She lived a life of regrets and wondered if things would ever be good for you. She died alone in a hospital bed of a shattered heart that had slowly been breaking the the entire 48 years she was alive. My biological father was a drug addict and was in prison for much of my life and my step dad was an alcoholic who loved me so much but had many of his own demons clouding his mind.
My Very 1st memory as a child is pretty traumatic and vivid. I am hiding in another place in the house while my mother is being forced to have intercourse while getting physically abused by the fist of her then husband Robert Waller, I am just an 18 month old little girl. This was not the only thing that I had witness this had just been my youngest memory as a child. So much abuse, sexually, physically, and mentally that I cannot even imagine Things began to get much worse and I began to feel more and more detached and unloved with each trauma. My heart breaks when I look into my life and story, I have 3 daughters and 2 sons and I cannot imagine them ever witnessing this kind of violence. (to be continued)
